If you are like approximately 40% of people in monogamous relationships, you are probably bored with your sex life. It happens to the best of us! Perhaps you and your partner are in a rut and things are not as sexy as you’d like them to be; maybe it’s time to change things up a little bit.  In this article we will be discussing how to improve connection and communication for sexier intimacy with tantric techniques. Follow these concepts to spice up your sex life with tantra! 

Most people in romantic relationships will agree that sex is an important part of those relationships. Because it’s so pivotal, it is important to have the sort of sex that’s right for the relationship. What’s right for the relationship will be determined by the people who are in it. For some the sexual connection will be incredibly important, for others not as much. But when romantic relationships become sexually stale, who’s to blame and what is the solution?

Blame gets you nowhere

Chances are, if your relationship is suffering from lack of intimacy, this has something to do with both of you.  It’s absolutely possible in relationships that one person can stonewall the other and limit intimacy, but let’s assume that your relationship is otherwise functional but the sexual chemistry has started to fail. Where do you go from there?  For many folks the impulse to blame their partner is very strong.  Taking accountability for your part in a struggling relationship can be a very hard thing to do. But what is harder, is repairing a relationship after unfounded blame has been tossed around. Assigning blame to couples’ issues will get you nowhere. Even if one party is responsible more than the other, the act of blaming is still detrimental to relationships.

Relationships don’t have to be pass or fail

There is a very judgemental and unnecessary cloud that hangs over all relationships. That cloud is the idea that relationships are ‘pass or fail’. Certainly not all relationships work out, and some relationships are  unhealthy and should be disbanded. But none of these things means that the relationship failed, nor did the people within it fail. Sometimes things simply don’t work out. But if you would like to save a struggling relationship, tapping into a deeper level of sex and intimacy through tantra can help the two of you get back on track.

New Relationship Energy (NRE) is real

Remember the beginning of your relationship? When things were fun and exciting, your partner was so adorable and you loved everything about them and nothing they did drove you crazy?  If you’ve been in your relationship for a while, let’s say more than six months, and that feeling is gone, that’s completely normal. 

The concept of new relationship energy aka NRE,  refers to the myopic  infatuation at the beginning of a new relationship. This fog of bliss often lasts around 3 to 9 months so if your relationship is much older than that it may have been a long time since you felt that same initial spark. But here’s a spoiler:  that spark isn’t supposed to last. 

Infatuation vs. intimacy

When we first connect with someone we literally get ‘drunk’ on them. Our brains and bodies get so excited by attraction and the prospect of sexual union, that our whole system floods with happy hormones.  This is why when you first start dating someone and you’re really excited about them it feels like you’re drinking from a fire hose. Everything about them is fascinating and nothing they do seems like a red flag because your brain is pickled with happiness. It is suggested that this period of time at the beginning of  relationships exists so that we can create efficient and effective  bonds with our new partner.

As you move through NRE  the natural progression is from infatuation towards intimacy.  While infatuation can happen spontaneously and feel out of your control, intimacy is well within your control and is something you must put effort into.

What is Tantra and how does it intersect with relationship intimacy?

Tantra is an ancient  philosophy focussed on physical and spiritual wellness. It was developed in India many hundreds of years ago and its roots are in Hinduism and Buddhism, giving it a substantial spiritual base from which to work. Practitioners of tantra have embraced the tantric way of life for centuries, and millions of people practice it to this day. Tantra is a Sanskrit word that roughly translates to English as ‘woven web ‘. This translation is an apt analogy because it references the interconnectedness that tantra observes. One of the primary tenants of Tantra is based in collective energy, and how all living things are connected to each other and to the Divine.  In this way, Tantra intersects with relationship intimacy in a very practical way.  Tantra uses physical and philosophical techniques to improve communication and intimacy with the self and others. 

Tantric techniques to reinvigorate your sex life

The concept of Tantra goes well beyond sex, but in the western world sex and intimacy is its most common and popular application. When you think of  tantric sex you might think of intense yoga like positions, hour-long orgasms,  or other New Age type mumbo-jumbo.  Tantric sex is literally for everyone. The condition of your body  does not have to limit you.  Tantric sex is intense, but it does not need to be impossibly gymnastic. Tantra pares down the sexual experience and makes it more focussed on pleasure and intention instead of pleasure and performance. In fact, tantric sex is some of the simplest and most  unadorned sex.

Meditate together

If you have never successfully meditated it can be hard to understand what it’s value is and how it helps in a sexual tantric context. Simply put meditation is a direct route to intimacy. Using meditation as part of your tantric sex practice will help prepare both your mind and body for having better sex. This is because meditation actively slows down the body’s stress response systems.  Meditation also requires slow and thoughtful breathing  and is a great opportunity to synchronize your breath with your partner.  By focusing on meditation, you can help prepare yourself for the vulnerability and intensity of intimacy with your partner.  Before things get hot and sexy, take a few minutes to sit together, breathe together and centre yourselves. Starting an intimate or sexual encounter with your partner with a clear head and an open heart will make intimacy that much more possible and that much more comfortable for both of you.

Learn to breathe together to be together

Conscious and intentional breathing is a fundamental part of tantric practice. Most people don’t breathe with any particular thought or intention, and they rob themselves of the benefits of proper breathing techniques. Syncing your breath with your partner is an incredibly powerful way to connect and restore or increase intimacy. 

Synching up

This is a simple technique that you can use almost anytime and anywhere. This technique does not have to be used in an intimate or sexual situation, you can do this on the couch, on the commuter train,  whenever and wherever you need to fend for yourselves and feel reconnected.

  • sit with your partner facing each other across legged ( or in any other position that is comfortable for you)
  • Take each other’s left hands and hold them in your laps
  •  place your right hands on each other’s hearts
  •  look into each other’s eyes and beginning to previous 2
  •  inhale through the nose slowly for a count of 8
  •  exhale at the same rate through your mouth also for a count of 8
  •  Repeat this cycle four more times for a total of 5 in and out breaths

Why it works

This technique is not inherently sexual, though it is a wonderful way to start an intimate sexual encounter with your partner because it will help both of you start from a grounded calm and open-minded place.  Tell each other things that you love or appreciate about each other. Positive affirmation as you sync your breathing will skyrocket your intimacy.

Change is as good as a rest 

When the intimacy in a relationship is flagging it can be easy to just take the path of least resistance and wait for it to improve. So when the physical intimacy has fizzled a bit, the worst thing you can do is turn a blind eye. Instead of  shying away from the issue, try changing up your patterns. When it comes to sex very few people are as adventurous as they’d like to be. Shame, taboo, how we were raised, religious guilt, all of these things can contribute to a tentative or stifled sexual expression.  Small changes in how your relationship  functions can  help you make significant headway.  Changing up the sexual positions you use is a great way to start. Tantric sex practice has a number of positions that can help you ramp-up intimacy and help you get back in the groove. 

Yab Yum Position

Even if you know nothing about Tantra or tantric sex, the yab-yum position is probably familiar to you. This intimate position is also known as the Lotus position. It is an extension of the position you use to sync your breathing (as mentioned above). Typically, the yab-yum position includes  penetration, but that is absolutely not a requisite.  How you and your partner define sex is up to you, Penetration is not necessary for this position to be beneficial.  The magic of yab-yum  comes from the closeness of your bodies and the eye contact.  

How to Yab Yum

  • Partner 1 sits on the bed or floor, supported by cushions as needed 
  • Partner 2 stands over their lap and slowly lowers themselves down into a sitting position wrapping their legs around partner 1
  •  wrap your arms around each other and put your  foreheads together  and stink up your breathing

This position is wonderful because both partners hands are free. There’s lots of room for touching each other, kissing, and looking into each other’s eyes.  Be careful with your breath. Even if you are having somewhat rigorous penetration in this position, try your best to keep your breathing slow and regular and synchronized. 

Tantric edging

Edging is a term in the sex-positive community that is getting a lot of air play these days. The objective of edging is to experience the intense build-up towards climax but stop right at the edge. You can stop and start as much as you like, for as long as you want. 

This is a great technique for individuals that have issues with orgasm, particularly for men who experience premature ejaculation or have a hard time remaining erect all the way through arousal to orgasm.  Edging is great alone as an intuitive masturbation technique.  It is also wonderful with a partner. You can either take turns edging yourselves while you watch each other, ie: mutual masturbation,  or you can touch and edge each other. Tantric sex is all about making the moment last and being completely present with your partner and in your own body. By repeatedly approaching orgasm and shying away, you can help your mind and body better connect the sensations of arousal with control of your orgasm. 

Intimacy takes work

These tantric techniques can help you and your partner on a new path towards a sexier sex life,  but they are not silver bullets. Improving or saving a relationship that has run aground is no small feat. Both partners need to be committed to communicating and participating actively because no relationship is one single person’s responsibility. If you want to spice up your sex life with tantra, you must access intimacy! This will not be an overnight process because there are no Band-Aid fixes for intimacy. You must try, sometimes fail, and try again. 

It’s your sex life and it’s what you make of it

When you are examining the intimacy in your relationship, be wary of falling prey to common ‘relationship standards’.  These are sets of made-up rules and fictional milestones. These cultural standards may be common but that does not make them healthy, safe, or reliable. Your relationship is just that:  yours. Obviously the more aligned you are the smoother things will be. Making space for each other to express new needs is also important and valuable. Likewise, relationships need maintenance! Try to revisit your relationship regularly to ensure that you are still on the same team. 

Seek help if you need it

There are tons of options in terms of therapy and counselling for individuals and couples alike. If you feel that the issues in your relationship are insurmountable, find someone who can help. It’s also worth considering that not all help and support has to come from a therapist or a doctor.  A visit to  a reputable massage agency like Secret Tantric for an indulgent couples massage might be just what you need to get back on track.  Stepping out of your comfort zone together  for something like an erotic couples massage can be a great way to bond. Not only that, you will undoubtedly pick up some tips and tricks that you can use together at home. If you think that erotic massage or tantric therapy could help your relationship, give us a call! We are just waiting to set up your massage session! 

What are you waiting for?

It’s one thing to read about the erotic massage experience but it is something else entirely to have your own. There’s no reason to hesitate, simply pick up the phone and give us a ring and we will have you set up for the time of your life within minutes . Whether you seek deep tissue relaxation or a slippery sexy happy ending massage, Secret Tantric has what you need. And we know how to give it to you!  Call us today to set up your appointment. You will not regret it!

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